"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep,
so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope."
1 Thessalonians 4:13

Last Update 01/02/08

When I arrived at work, it was my job to get my family's jewelry store ready for the day's business by turning off the alarm, unlocking the safe, and putting the stock in showcases located throughout the display room. I usually put all of the diamond rings, pendants, and bracelets into two showcases and the 14K jewelry, fine watches, and colored stone jewelry into the remaining showcases. On March 15, 1995, in addition to getting the stock out, I remember that I had opened the safe, taken out the watch and jewelry repairs, and had just finished writing down the repair envelope numbers when the phone rang. I walked over and answered, "Miller's Jewelry, how can I help you?" A woman on the other end of the line could barely speak. She muttered, "Is this Jerry Reed?" I answered, "Yes." "Jon has had a heart attack and he is in the hospital" (Jon was my oldest son). Fear gripped me as I asked, "What? What did you say?" She went on, "I am Jon's girlfriend. Last night he got up for a drink of water and on his way to the kitchen he had a heart attack and fell into the glass table in the living room. He is in the hospital and I am going to see him." I hung up, turned to Bob, my stepfather, and matter-of-factly told him about the phone conversation. Again I picked up the phone, only this time I called my mother. She was very close to Jon and I knew she needed to hear about the phone call right away. Then the wait began. We waited for what seemed like days, but it was only about 2 hours later when she called again. As I pressed the receiver against my ear, I could hear her saying, "Jon died this morning, he had a massive coronary." I cannot remember what she said after that, but after I hung up, I told everyone the bad news. A day or so later, the last conversation I had with Jon began coming to my consciousness. I had called him about the computer payment that he owed to his grandparents. He was supposed to have made the payment a month before, but it was late. He had made some sort of excuse and I had become upset with him. Since it was not the first time his payment had been late, I angrily told him he had to get those payments to his grandparents on time from now on. The conversation ended on an unfriendly note. Now my loss was compounded by words I wished I had never said.

John W. James and Russell Friedman in their book The Grief Recovery Handbook, say, "Grief is the conflicting feelings caused by the end of or change in a familiar pattern of behavior. When someone you love dies after suffering a long illness, you may feel a sense of relief that your loved one's suffering is over. That is a positive feeling, even though it is associated with a death. At the same time, you may realize that you can no longer see or touch that person. This may be very painful for you." These are conflicting feelings.

In our culture, there is little or no education or training programs designed to teach us how to resolve grief. So we are left to our own devises that are, for the most part, more harmful than helpful.

Sorrow is usually a healthy response to the death of a loved one, to the knowledge we cannot see, talk with, or walk with our loved ones, and to our beliefs that we will never see our loved ones again in this life. However, sorrow becomes unhealthy when sorrowful thoughts dominate all of our days and nights.

Thinking things like, "I can never say the things I wanted to say. I can never make-up for my bad behaviors. I can't see, talk to, or walk with my loved one again" are components of the sorrow thinking-pattern. We usually experience excessive sorrow because we don't understand the our resurrection and our eternal life with God.

You can study an example of the six-step sorrow thinking-pattern in Chapter 10 of the book Natures of Mankind Psychology.

In the New Testament, the Greek word (loo' pay) can be translated sorrow grief, pain; reluctantly, with regret. It is a "mental process." It is a feeling thinking-pattern. The sorrow thinking-pattern is one kind of a six-step mental process.

The sorrow (grief) thinking-pattern is actually a "soup" of negative, feeling thinking-patterns. Remember, a feeling thinking-pattern is a six-step mental process that influences our thoughts, our belief systems, our body-emotions, and our observable behaviors. Therefore, you will need to consult the chapters on the anxiety, depression, fear, and anger thinking-patterns, and others to deal with all of the problems normally associated with sorrow (grief).

Notice that the sorrow thinking-pattern causes the body to experience uncomfortable sensations. We call these sensations body-emotions. We experience body-emotions when we think about the death of a loved one or other significant losses.

Feeling thinking-patterns determine our thoughts, our body-emotions, and our behaviors. For a more detailed explanation of a feeling thinking-pattern read the book Natures of Mankind Psychology.

If the sorrow thinking-pattern dominates our lives for a very long period of time, it can become a negative feeling thinking-pattern.

When the sorrow thinking-pattern and its subsequent emotional impact on our bodies become habitual and we become accustomed to this condition, we may eventually believe that this is a normal condition. As long as we continue to use a negative feeling thinking-pattern, our bodies will respond negatively.

Since you may use other feeling thinking-patterns at the same time as the sorrow thinking-pattern, you may also need to consult the chapters in Natures of Mankind Psychology on the anger, anxiety, fear, and depression.

Sorrow for the non-Christian. Paul describes grief by referring to the grief experienced by unbelievers whose loved one has died,

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brethren, about those who are asleep, so that you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope" (1 Thessalonians 4:13). (emphasis added)

Grieve for the on-going sins of "fleshly" Christians. The word translated mourn comes from the Greek word (pen the') and it can be translated mourn, be sad, experience sorrow; mourn or grieve over. The Christians at Corinth were behaving "as if" their sin natures were still in control of them. They were still practicing the "deeds" of the flesh. Paul was very concerned about them, "I am afraid that when I come again my God may humiliate me before you, and I may mourn over many of those who have sinned in the past and not repented of the impurity, immorality and sensuality which they have practiced" (2 Corinthians 12:21). (emphasis added)

The word translated hope comes from the Greek word (el pis') and it can be translated hope; hoping against hope; ground or basis of hope; what is hoped for.

In the New Testament, hope is not a feeling. It is a conviction based on substantial grounds. For example, the hope of the resurrection is based on the actual resurrection of Jesus Christ. Since He was raised from the dead, we can hope for our resurrection. The resurrection of Jesus demonstrates that God has the power to perform a resurrection. We are told by the New Testament writers that God will also raise us from the dead. All of the hopes mentioned in the hope component are based on strong substantial grounds of God's promises and actions.

Looking Forward to Something. Hope is looking forward to "something" with desire and patient endurance. In hope, we have been saved from the decay of creation and the decay in our bodies. However, hope is not in what we can see; it is in what we cannot see. Therefore, we live with the weaknesses of creation and our bodies with patient endurance awaiting the future resurrection to our incorruptible bodies, For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it (Romans 8:24,25). (emphasis added)

Comfort for surviving Christians. The word translated comfort, console, cheer up, encourage comes from the Greek word (para ka leh' o) and it has been translated beg, urge, encourage, speak words of encouragement; request, ask, appeal to; console, comfort, cheer up; invite, summon. Paul says we can comfort Christian grievers by reminding them of the resurrection and our eternal life with the Lord (see 1 Thessalonians 4:14-18).

It is important to discard the sorrow thinking-pattern and replace it with the hope thinking-pattern by renewing your mind (see figure 10.5). In the hope thinking-pattern, we are no longer focusing on loss. When you discard lies, myths, deceptions, and misconceptions and replace them with the truth, you are renewing your mind. You renew your mind by changing what you believe. When you change your belief system, you can be transformed (see Romans 12:1,2).

Discarding Lies and Embracing Truths. You can change the sorrow in your personal world by changing what you believe. You can also begin the process of overlapping your personal world with God's real world. The world and the flesh will tell you lies through your experiences. The devil will plant lies and deceptions directly into your mind and they will always seem to be your thoughts. To renew your mind, begin by stating the belief, "I can reject each lie or deception and choose to replace it with the truth. Each time I do this, I will be renewing my mind." Then, compare each lie or deception in the left column with the truth in the right column.

Use the following prayer to help you change each lie or deception that you currently believe to the truth.

Read the following prayer aloud:

God, my Father, I discard the deception that (read the item in the left column) and choose to accept that (read the item in the right column) as the truth. I choose to make this part of my belief system and act on it in my daily life. In Jesus name. Amen.

Linda Reed is a Certified Grief Recovery Specialist and facilitates the Grief Recovery Outreach Programs for non-Christians, Christians, and funeral homes. You can contact Linda at (480) 830-6121.

The contents of this web page are excerpted from Chapter 10, Replacing Sorrow with Hope, in the book Natures of Mankind Psychology.