"Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other,
just as God in Christ also has forgiven you."
Ephesians 4:32

Last Update 01/02/08

It was a perfect night for a romantic dinner. Rebecca walked outside the front door to wait for Brian and watched the soft, fluffy clouds float across the sky and felt the warm, gentle breeze on her face. As they drove to the restaurant, she noticed that Brian was preoccupied. She did not think too much of it, because Brian had spent all day cramming for tomorrow's chemistry exam, so she continued talking about the Bridal Show her mom and she had attended that day. Rebecca was so excited, "We bought my wedding dress today! It is simply beautiful. I can't wait for you to see it." Brian's response was subdued, "That's great, hon." Resisting anything that could damped her spirits, she continued, "…I can't wait to show you the beautiful invitations I have seen. Our wedding is going to be so great!"

Brian pulled into the restaurant parking lot, got out of the car, and opened the door for Rebecca. She thought He is such a gentleman. How nice that was of him. Most of my girlfriends do not have such a wonderful boyfriend. She felt so special and happy. The evening was perfect. They did not have to wait even for a few moments before the hostess took them to a secluded table at the end of the dance floor. Rebecca's head was spinning. Her dream was coming true: a Christian marriage. Everything was coming together beautifully.

Rebecca glanced at Brian and saw tears in his eyes. She wondered, Why is he so emotional? Is his love that deep for me? Is he as happy as I am? His voice cut off her thoughts, "Rebecca, I have something to tell you that may ruin our plans for marriage. First, let me say that I really do want to marry you and you are the only girl for me, but when you were in Europe six months ago, I received an e-mail from an old girlfriend that I dated in high school. At first, it was exciting to catch up on old times, but then we started having lunches together. Several times when I told you I was working at the office, we were meeting for lunch. I'm sorry for the lies. I'm afraid that she is getting very attached to me and I don't know what to do." Rebecca sat there, paralyzed - unable to speak or move. He continued, "I know this is a terrible thing to tell you now, but I can't marry you with this hanging over our heads. I've got to get this out in the open and deal with it."

Can you finish the rest of the scenario in the restaurant?

When you are in a relationship with a living, breathing person, forgiveness is always about "healing." The most difficult relationship in which to give and receive forgiveness is marriage.

The concept that forgiveness alone is the means by which we are to rid ourselves of anger, bitterness, and revenge contradicts the teachings of the New Testament. To suggest that fleshly behaviors can be resolved in ways other than through confession, repentance, forgiveness, and "deeds of repentance" blocks the process of restoring and healing broken relationships. In fact, without confession, repentance, acceptance of forgiveness, and "deeds of repentance" our relationship with God is alien and hostile. Without confession, repentance, giving and receiving forgiveness, "and deeds of repentance" our relationship with others will never be healed and our behaviors will continue to be characterized by the "deeds of the flesh."

Before you can heal and reconcile a broken relationship with another Christian, you must heal and reconcile your relationship with God. Only then can you and God, together, work toward healing and reconciling a relationship with another Christian. Most Christians do not realize that when one Christian sins against another Christian, the sin is committed against God as well. Since relationships between Christians are based on the relationships in the Body of Christ, are based on the relationships within God's family, and the relationships bond together by the Spirit of God, all of our relationships are interconnected. Of all of our spiritual relationships, our relationship with God is foundational.

Webster defines for give as: to grant free pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt); absolve or to cease to feel resentment against.

In the New Testament, the word translated forgive comes from the Greek word (a fa' ay me) and it has been translated to cancel, forgive, remit (of sin or debts). In the New Testament, another word translated forgive comes from the Greek word (ka rid' zo m?) and it has been translated to grant, give, bestow on; deal generously or graciously with, forgive, pardon; hand over or release (of a prisoner); cancel a debt.

Forgiveness may follow punishment (in some cases) (see 2 Corinthians 2:6,7).

Forgiveness cleanses and purifies (see 1 John 1:9).

Forgiveness gives us new life. (see Colossians 2:13).

We receive forgiveness after we have turned from darkness to light (see Acts 26:18).

We receive forgiveness after we have turned from the domain of Satan to God (see Acts 26:18).

We are to forgive just as the Lord forgave you (see Colossians 3:13)

We are to forgive just as God in Christ has forgiven you (see Ephesians 4:32).

God is the example for forgiveness. The words "just as the Lord forgave you," is an example for forgiveness.

Forgiveness eliminates sorrow. Forgiveness can provide comfort (encouragement) so that excessive sorrow (grief, sorrow, pain, regret) does not overwhelm the person.

Forgiveness is conditional. Forgiveness is granted when the sinner has confessed and repented of his or her sins.

Confession is a Prerequisite of Forgiveness. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).

Repentance is a Prerequisite of Forgiveness. Therefore repent and return, so that your sins may be wiped away (Acts 3:19).

When forgiveness is wrong. General Principle: We should never forgive, when forgiveness enables sin to continue in the life of our husband, wife, child, parent, or others.

After forgiveness comes "deeds of repentance." Stop doing what you just repented! Turn away from your sin! Do the opposite of that sin.

Sample Prayer of Confession to God.

"Dear God, I have sinned against You by living my life by the flesh. It was wrong to have carried on a relationship with another woman while engaged. I was deceitful and unfaithful. I sinned against You and Your ways by living a lie, by failing to be open and honest in my relationship with my fiancé, by failing to be open and honest with this other woman, and failing to seek and follow Your will, Your ways, and Your plan for my life. In Jesus name. Amen."

Sample Prayer of Repentance to God:

"God, I choose to turn away from behaving according to the flesh. I know it is sinful. I intend to stop lying. I intend to stop my deceptions. I intend to stop focusing my mind on lust and temptations of secret relationships. I intend to focus my mind on your will and guidance in my life. I intend to never do these things again. In Jesus name. Amen."

Sample Prayer of Committment to Perform "Deeds of Repentance":

"Dear God, I have acted "fleshly" toward You, but now I choose to act "by the Holy Spirit" toward You. My thoughts and actions toward You will be based on the by-product of my relationship with the Holy Spirit: (1) love, (2) joy, (3) peace, (4) patience, (5) kindness, (6) goodness, (7) faithfulness, (8) gentleness, and (9) self-control. In Jesus Name. Amen."

Accepting God's Forgiveness. You must accept God's forgiveness by saying something like,

"I have repented my wrongdoing and I thank You for forgiving me."

Sample Prayer of Confession to Another.

"I have sinned against you because I did not respond to you with love and goodness. I was wrong to have returned evil for evil, to have cursed you for being unfaithful to me, and to have returned insult for insult. My jealousy, outbursts of anger, and arguments are from my flesh rather than the Spirit and they are wrong. I was wrong to have harbored bitterness against you. I was wrong to have criticized your character before others."

There is healing and reconciliation available for every Christian if only he or she will follow the plan that God lays out in the New Testament for the process of forgiveness.

The Steps Leading to Forgiveness

Step 1: Answer the question: "Should I resolve my sins against God." by saying, "YES."

Step 2: Confess your sin(s) to God.

Step 3: Make your statement of Repentance to God.

Step 4: Accept God's forgiveness.

Step 5: Make your committment to "Deeds of Repentance" to God.

Step 6: Evaluate your performance of "Deeds of Repentance" to God.

Step 7: Confess your sin(s) to another Christian.

Step 8: Make your statement of repentance to another Christian.

Step 9: Make your committment to "Deeds of Repentance" to another Christian

Step 10: Evaluate your performance of "Deeds of Repentance" to another Christian.

Step 11: Continue to grow and mature to become more Christ-like.

NOTE: For whatever reason, if you do not complete a step or sin against God or another Christian Christian, you must return to Step 1: and begin again.

See the Forgiveness Flow Chart on page 311 in the book Natures of Mankind Psychology.

The contents of this web site page are excerpted from Chapter 13, Responding with Forgiveness, in the book Natures of Mankind Psychology. To fully grasp the various aspects of Forgiveness, you should read the entire chapter on Forgiveness, chapter 13. The aspect of Confontation has not been covered on this web page.

© 2007 by Jerold L. Reed All Rights Reserved

Contact the New testament Psychology Institute for special permission to copy and distribute this information.